What of Sharing Everything

I didn't mean to make you

the thing I was going to hold onto

while I allowed my own life
to swallow me whole
My head is still catching up
to the rest of my body
Which is funny
because I often feel
like my physical form
has been placed on the shelf
with the intent to gather dust

I think I was looking for something
to make this part feel new
To shake away the familiarity
Because the house I'm in
is a time machine
And this room felt so big
when it held my mania


Could you touch me deep enough
that I become a stranger again?
Hold me with so much intention
that I don't have to think about my own past
I'm so bored with knowing
exactly who I'm becoming

Were you laying your heart out
on a digital landscape or
am I just looking for meaning in every single thing?

Human as Architecture

There was a place inside my chest
where I was keeping nostalgia
for memories that never happened to me.
When the sadness of it hit me,
I bit off more than I could chew,
and I swallowed,
Hoping it would fill that space

There was a room inside my body
where it didn't hurt so much to feel.
I tried to stay there until the walls started talking
They said, "you are taking the easy way out"

I sometimes wonder
if I'll ever stop feeling like
I'm still growing into my own body
If my past will ever become linear
And if that would make it feel more real

I keep the lens on my memories soft,
so they don't swallow me
I keep my heart soft,
so it doesn't eat me alive
I'm building architecture within myself,
Walls that breathe my own name

Something for the Summer

I don't always remember

what it's like to be held

in arms that are not my own

But this is not a message of

loneliness

If I wanted to send ships

full of feelings

to your doorstep

I know that I could

So I don't

I am rediscovering a space

of warm pavement

where I don't cry

when I hear certain songs

I've been waiting to pull this from myself

I have grown

upward,

outward

Now I move to grow

inward

Doused in misguided optimism

Finding a space of comfort

existing as the heart

that beats inside of

the machine I was taught to fear

Where You Were // Where You Are // Where I Am

I let my body

speak stories

and hope that you are listening

I was looking for someone

like you

I like to let

white noise

run under my sides

and fill my hands heavy

until the world is 

no longer loud

Because I was searching

for a fragility

to match mine,

wondering where

in your body

you store my words

and what “forever”

does to your heart

when you told me

Thank you

For pulling from me

pieces of myself

I'd kept so hidden

I forgot they were even there  

Hella Normal Girl

Hella normal girl

They say I got maps

running under my skin

That's why my pulse

sounds the same

as my footsteps

That's why when

you press your ear to my chest

you'll hear the rustle

of every tree I've ever climbed

He said,

“Let me see

Let me see the marks

where you etched

love notes to yourself

to your lovers

to me

Let me feel the way

you hold yourself

when you know

you're doing okay”

I'm trying to find magic

in the breath of

my words

I'm trying to find

the breadcrumb trails

I left for myself

I'm trying to find myself home

They wanna be here for

my breakdown

They wanna see if

the stories are true

They wanna watch me

unstitch myself,

find my own way,

and sew me back up

so they can say

they did it too  

Circles, Cycles, Waves, and Wires

Our feelings are

cyclical

They swim upstream

pumping blood

into our arms

and our hearts

You can say their names out loud

I promise I won’t laugh

We were both born

sacred and scared

Afraid to step into the sun

and learn to walk on land

Our emotions

evaporate

when we want to not worry

They form clouds

in our chests

next to where we keep

our secrets

They pour down

to form Rivers

Lakes

Puddles

where we can swim

Circling around each other

Just like you always imagined

The importance of vulnerability

My anxiety looks and feels

the same as my fathers

We’ve never talked about it

but I can recognize it

in the way my mother talks

about the nights he stays awake in bed,

his heart heavy from giving so much away

I’m working on trying

to create with my hands

and love with my heart

Every so often,

I find myself doing the opposite

My mother cried

the day that she broke her favorite mug

I am slowly learning how to be okay

being fragile like this

I am slowly learning how to be okay 

with my own softness, 

to be okay with my own strengths 

wolfboy.

Wrapped up in the idea

that we could be lonely together,

I drew pictures of us

howling at the moon,

our chests open to its glow.

At night I’d trace my fingers

along the softest parts of your belly

trying to get our shivers to fall in sync

But I was a sheep trying to wear your hide

I stopped leaving my door unlocked

And I put the lamp back on the shelf

I expect you’ve done the same

These nights I sleep alone

safe for the moon in my window.  

It hangs low enough

that I don’t need to call to it.

It cradles me,

soft and reassuring,

whispering into my spine

“There is still so much”

A Brief Exploration in Loving You Fully and Discreetly

Your skin during the nighttime

is my favorite smell

I’d like to fill all of my journals with it

  But your name will have to do

We became lovers during the nights,

getting drunk enough that it was no longer scary

to whisper our longing into each other’s ears

The morning sun would finally come

The beers we’d find had worn off

like our fears

I still romanticize your boots

and the way sunlight smiles at your olive skin

And I have a hard time

sleeping through rain,

wishing it to be your fingers

 tapping against my window instead

The Differences

I cannot help it that my heart began beating in 1412

That my spirit animal is a boomerang

Or that I believe that God is a mom

We hold on to the things that make us feel weird

The things that make us feel like we are something

I won’t tell you my secrets

but I will sew them onto shirts

White on white

Black on black

Stitches hidden for you to find

Are you just like me?

Tell me of your past lives

How many people have you been?

How many worlds have you explored?

How many lifetimes do you carry in your bones? 

Something Not Right Quite

I once lived golden

My blood bled iridescent

I tried to show you

 But since I couldn’t drench myself in paint

I wrote a letter to your mother instead

There is a scar in the center of my chest

where I tried to put my feelings

No one was there when I cut off all my hair

The rumors you heard aren’t true

but you can believe them if you’d like

I probably would as well 

Noah's Arc is a Bed

We sleep like kittens

In cups and cupboards

and on the windowsill

behind the bed

Indiscreetly

Anywhere that we can

Closing our eyes from

the sun,

the moon,

and the eyes of our parents

We sleep like octopi

Wrapped up in seaweed arms

Bound

Holding each other so close,

I know,

tonight wont steal you away

Tomorrow morning

won’t steal me away

We sleep like elephants

Committing to good memory

the lines and wrinkles

of each other’s bodies

We won’t forget scars

or the stories that go with them

We sleep like skunks

Infusing bedsheets

with the scent of our skin

We will be here

long after we are gone

We tell bible stories

between each breath

Daring each other

to give more details

with each exhale

How many animals were on Noah’s Arc?

Because I could have sworn

it was just you and me

here ya go

some two romantic haikus

Oddly Romantic

I stood next to you

lightly foaming at the mouth

as we brushed our teeth 

Boy sweat and cheap Spanish detergent

Rain, grass, smoke, trees, dust

Your skin during the nighttime

All my favorite smells 

Time Capsule

1     

      1.   Cold tile floor

before the house walls

had memories

      seeped into them

Like the dirty fingerprints of us kids

2.

      Salt water and

sand between my toes

      and

a bathing suit wedgie

We held hands,

my sister and I,

and I made her laugh       for the first time

            Still proud now

3.

      Salchipapas

on

      dirty litter-ridden streets

Fingers dipped in

jars of peanut butter

My tongue

sloppy

with Spanish

and first kisses

4.

This one I don’t remember

      -I wasn’t there-

only the aftermath

Vomit on my dress

and later

      your phone call

“Please don’t speak to me again”

      And I didn’t

5.

      Heat under my sneakers

      The walk back to campus

from

      the also crazy friend’s

The sun shone through me

Golden

Before the rainy day

      where I destroyed my arms

I can’t hold them in my hands

      but in my heart

memories

                  of

The ‘I love you’s before the anger

Crying from laughing so hard

LSD-induced epiphanies

      And discovering how to

                  be happy

The pieces of my father

      in the way I care too little 

and the pieces of my mother

      in the way I care too much

What I won't remember

(written in 2013)




There was vomit on my dress
and the belt had been loosened
so I chalked it up
to one of those nights

We would joke about it in class
I couldn't remember a thing

You would joke about it during lunch
she couldn't remember a thing

I still don't really know


I can barely remember your voice
we almost weren't talking anymore
There was a rumor passed on
by your sister
The start of many
But it was before I lost my mind


There are journals that I'm still scared to read
There are keys that I'm still looking for
I dropped them in water full of ink

I can sift and splash
and splash and splash and sift
but it'll never clear
They won't be found


I never knew evil
wore cotton polos
and drove it's grandmother's car

What I'll remember

(written in 2009)


It was dark outside
when I fell in love with your arms and found
on them
your ET fingers
Long enough that my ribs were your piano

Your speedometer glowed with
my feet pressed against your dashboard
Me
and you
and your car
all humming the same song

while my knees knocked together drumbeats
and my hands were sticky
with vanilla softserve
leaving a trace on every part of you that I might want to remember-

your beard that you could never grow
to the thick cotton of your polo
down
to the light of your hands
changing the song, whispering words
in the glow of the white interior

long before I stained it red
with roofied drinks and pizza sauce

Back
in days when I would
drive my own car faster
towards any silver towncar
to look for the dent in the side

Maybe it was you
mouthing the words to your favorite songs
wishing I were there so you could sing them into my cheek,
the glow of the speedometer lighting up the
white interior of your car

guiding us home
like Sunday school saints


Take me home
Drop me off
So I can get into my own car,
drive away,
and remember why you thought you were in love

"So, about the other night...."

Lets talk about it. I'll love you either way.

But really,.

Life is pretty fucking awesome.!

Usually and always

I love everything and everyone. But I'm in love with nothing and NO ONE.

Steve Buscemi

You sly dog.