Hella Normal Girl

Hella normal girl

They say I got maps

running under my skin

That's why my pulse

sounds the same

as my footsteps

That's why when

you press your ear to my chest

you'll hear the rustle

of every tree I've ever climbed

He said,

“Let me see

Let me see the marks

where you etched

love notes to yourself

to your lovers

to me

Let me feel the way

you hold yourself

when you know

you're doing okay”

I'm trying to find magic

in the breath of

my words

I'm trying to find

the breadcrumb trails

I left for myself

I'm trying to find myself home

They wanna be here for

my breakdown

They wanna see if

the stories are true

They wanna watch me

unstitch myself,

find my own way,

and sew me back up

so they can say

they did it too  

Circles, Cycles, Waves, and Wires

Our feelings are

cyclical

They swim upstream

pumping blood

into our arms

and our hearts

You can say their names out loud

I promise I won’t laugh

We were both born

sacred and scared

Afraid to step into the sun

and learn to walk on land

Our emotions

evaporate

when we want to not worry

They form clouds

in our chests

next to where we keep

our secrets

They pour down

to form Rivers

Lakes

Puddles

where we can swim

Circling around each other

Just like you always imagined

The importance of vulnerability

My anxiety looks and feels

the same as my fathers

We’ve never talked about it

but I can recognize it

in the way my mother talks

about the nights he stays awake in bed,

his heart heavy from giving so much away

I’m working on trying

to create with my hands

and love with my heart

Every so often,

I find myself doing the opposite

My mother cried

the day that she broke her favorite mug

I am slowly learning how to be okay

being fragile like this

I am slowly learning how to be okay 

with my own softness, 

to be okay with my own strengths 

wolfboy.

Wrapped up in the idea

that we could be lonely together,

I drew pictures of us

howling at the moon,

our chests open to its glow.

At night I’d trace my fingers

along the softest parts of your belly

trying to get our shivers to fall in sync

But I was a sheep trying to wear your hide

I stopped leaving my door unlocked

And I put the lamp back on the shelf

I expect you’ve done the same

These nights I sleep alone

safe for the moon in my window.  

It hangs low enough

that I don’t need to call to it.

It cradles me,

soft and reassuring,

whispering into my spine

“There is still so much”

A Brief Exploration in Loving You Fully and Discreetly

Your skin during the nighttime

is my favorite smell

I’d like to fill all of my journals with it

  But your name will have to do

We became lovers during the nights,

getting drunk enough that it was no longer scary

to whisper our longing into each other’s ears

The morning sun would finally come

The beers we’d find had worn off

like our fears

I still romanticize your boots

and the way sunlight smiles at your olive skin

And I have a hard time

sleeping through rain,

wishing it to be your fingers

 tapping against my window instead

The Differences

I cannot help it that my heart began beating in 1412

That my spirit animal is a boomerang

Or that I believe that God is a mom

We hold on to the things that make us feel weird

The things that make us feel like we are something

I won’t tell you my secrets

but I will sew them onto shirts

White on white

Black on black

Stitches hidden for you to find

Are you just like me?

Tell me of your past lives

How many people have you been?

How many worlds have you explored?

How many lifetimes do you carry in your bones? 

Something Not Right Quite

I once lived golden

My blood bled iridescent

I tried to show you

 But since I couldn’t drench myself in paint

I wrote a letter to your mother instead

There is a scar in the center of my chest

where I tried to put my feelings

No one was there when I cut off all my hair

The rumors you heard aren’t true

but you can believe them if you’d like

I probably would as well