Usually and always

I love everything and everyone. But I'm in love with nothing and NO ONE.

Steve Buscemi

You sly dog.

I am the great panini.

And nobody fucks with the panini.

Can we remember this moment as the moment I went quietly mad for a little bit?

‎***************************+++++++***** !!!!!!!!!! ++* 

!!!!!!!!!!

Well shit hey

Most of my blog posts are about people I think I'm in love with. Different people. I'm always falling in love with everyone.

The necessary move

There are a lot of things that I wish I could find a formula to. If I had it my way I would maybe map and chart out my whole life. But sometimes there are things we can't plot on a graph or find a reason or formula behind. We feel somethings sometimes... without reason.

This is why people fall in love.
      Why people start wars.
     
   It's why people wear their hair up certain ways sometimes. And it why people jump off bridges sometimes.


I can't always map what I'm feeling. It's not because I don't know myself. It's because life is different, more magical, than that.





I know that I can fall in love. And I know that I can sob over a broken heart. Because feelings change. Slowly; rapidly.         It's not about why I feel the way I do. It's about feeling it. Feeling it with my heart and bones and muscles and soul.

I still like to make maps. But I know now that there are secret folds and trapdoors and feelings stitched in the papers I make them on. I don't know why they're there, I just know that they are. And I'm ok to see that this is    beautifulmagicalwonderful. beautiful.

Dat date

The fish were singing and I was the little mermaid.

To Jay:

I just want to kiss you and fuck you and look at you and hear you and look at your tattoos that I really like a lot and kiss you forever and know you and kiss you everywhere all day.



It's so crazy how things change so quickly.

My brain feels weird.

Everything is real strange.

I'm not really sure lately

I'm not sure if I remember or if I forgot how to write. You won't see this and that's nice but I'll still always wonder and maybe probably yeah definitely long.
Distance away. That's probably what's best. Because I'm not even sure who I am anymore. Enmeshment with life with lovers and friends. And friends that I wish were lovers. And lovers that I wish were better at all. Unrequited waves. Circles and cycles and waves and wires. Connection to me to you back to me to them. Us. I wish I knew my brain's words by heart. I wish I could cry better. I wish you could cry at all. I wish my arms didn't tingle and my heart didn't inflate. Tie everything down with rubber bands. It's just nonsense at this point. But it's better than nothing. If that's even true. Sometimes I need this.


Everything all at once spinning. Things looked different a minute ago. I wish I could cry right now. I wish you were here and that you loved me and wanted to hold me like I want to be held. I wish I were better. I wish I were worse. I think I'll try to stop wishing. God I wish I could.

Is it bad to take pride?

He said I could probably suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

Fuck, Dummys

There's almost nothing I want more this morning than to sit at home and throw up all day. Everything makes me mad. Just agro all day. I don't want to look at your face. Or think about you thinking you're better just like my ex always did. But worse. I hate that shit the most. I want you to take me to get my bike fixed and then leave me the fuck alone for a week or something. Don't try to fix shit or "protect" me. Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. You make me mad today.

Sexually frustrated

Going to go punch a wall now.

^__^

Sometimes I love everything so much all at once holy smokes I almost can't believe it!

My ears. :(

I think one time maybe on the phone you said Love You.




*** I don't know when this was written. But I want to post it anyway***

Lovely eyes

I'm crushing so hard. So so hard. I'll Facebook stalk the shit out of you. I want you. I don't know why but I want you.

Remember when you muttered that you love me. And Alexis said two steps beneath friendzone. But I just don't know. I want to tell you the same thing. All day in a not real way. Kiss your eyelids and corrupt your dreams, just like Kevin Barnes. I want to know you. Because you make me feel like writing like a child. Or like silly teen love dreams. It's so fun and I missed it. Let's let our lives get crazy together. Be best friends and let me kiss you. I don't even know you. Let me kiss you all day. Whatever, it's 2009 2012. Do it before it ends!

Not weirdo weird, just weird.

I fucked up. Or, every song makes me sad.

I don't even know why I hurt you. I can't even rationalize it.

4/20 spend recovering from 4/19

I cracked my head open in the middle of the night morning. I let the universe pour into it and I discovered that I no longer existed. I thought of all of the love that I have given away. It was the only thing that made me feel real again. Adventure Time played to my right. Everything became trivial as I repeated to myself, "This is life changing. I will not be the same tomorrow. This is life changing." My own mantra.

I think I may have seen God stretched across the light of forever.

'But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then'

-Lewis Carroll

Flirt all night

Face red fo-evskis!

Only this makes sense

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDj3sorWXbE

To J:

Did you drink the rest of the vodka?

"Is that even a question?" I know it's not. Just like, 'did you eat the rest of the pizza I bought?' and 'are you going to eat the rest of the other pizza I bought?'

Because you take the things that I buy but won't spend a little gas and time to come see me.

I am upset. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I resented you so much and never told you.

Pathos pathos pathos pathos

Even sugar sweet pop lies couldn't help just make it weirder like it's not your arms I want anymore or anyones just something not loneliness but getting more open is going except hard. I once knew how to not say the wrong things. Contrived this; contrived that. Just fucking ask, ok?

Obligatory

I love you without meaning to. Because you are deep and nobody else knows it. Like a secret that I can keep in my head and no one else will get to it.

Work is good but writing is stagnant. Obligatory almost. Ob-lig-a-tory. Obe-lig-a-tory. I can't even be that cute anymore. Nevermind, nothing is stagnant. I Can't even make up my mind.

This morning is weird with the blues a day late.

You won't even read this. Even.

Can you feel it?

I'm sending waves to you. Yes, you. I hope you catch them.

New year and my life is turning to shit.

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that I'm not a terrible person. Because we hurt people in the ways that we've been hurt and you hurt me in the ways I hurt you. And I hurt you in the ways that others have hurt me. And that's the hardest part. But I suppose it's just one more thing to add to the pile. Only this one is larger than the others. Because it's love and it's love for you, and it's self love for me. And now I just think of Manny and when he told me why he couldn't be with me. "I can't even love myself." Only it's different. Because I can love you more than I can love me. Because I don't have to live in your shell, just the ugly one I've created for myself. And I don't know how many times or ways I can tell you that I'm sorry. I only hope that you don't still think of baseball as a metaphor for life because three strikes, I guess I'm out.